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Installing Moral Code

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1/5/08 11:05 pm - Oh Sweet Swimming Elephantiles

I have poison oak again. IT is painful but the half and half anti-depressing antihistamines are helping me re-write history. I WOULD BE DEAD IF IT WERE NOT FOR MODERN MEDICINE. Do I loathe or understand or attribute more to it than I should? Maybe it would be someone else instead.

8/1/07 02:28 pm - In The Money

Funny memory about when I had to admit that I couldn't read him. That I wasn't in the correct space to be receptive to other people's emotions. For some reason there was a very intense energy with us there,and with us a few other times as well. I can't explain human connection like that rendering it indeed inexplicable the way that it made me feel to not be able to express in a simple way "his."

It is indeed strange to be done with the last Harry Potter and be so almost nineteen and so almost out and about and..................

Hyper sensitive and feeling it all. Clumpy mascara and unjustified hangovers. My life is a work schedule. God how I appreciate time off. I wonder about rent this month.

I'm on my way to Portland. Once Jupiter comes back around.

7/7/07 03:48 pm - Over and Over Again

>I believe a new set of hormones is coursing through my body.< this has been saved as a draft for months now. It was my follow up to stickyfloorsodadrink. I have not been able to post anything livejournal worthy in five months. Mostly because I've been going through a transitional introspection which has been extremely useful in making me feel.

Where have I been in the past five months? The draft is a fairly acurate description. I somehow miraculously lost thirty pounds. I feel a lot less tired. I've been working instead of going to school. I moved out. I've a much better idea of what I want to do with my life and a much better idea of what I need/want out of a friend/lover.

This was a very painful process that for some reason I'm looking forward to repeating endlessly until my soul embarks on its next interplanetary journey free from this musclefatskin cell.

I want to be a flower essence practitioner and write a book of poetry before the end of this year. Thus I will start expressing myself creatively again at some point. But, sure, I'm boring.

2/20/07 02:55 pm - Sticky Floor Soda Drink? It Shall Be Re-Built!

I was stuck. If even just for a minute, I was stuck. Nervous exhaustion from wanting only one thing. That one thing may not be worth my time. I need strong-willed intelligent people to defeat my arguements. I needed to trust the strong-willed intelligent people that I've chosen to surround myself with.

I'll admit it, I'm impatient. Instant gratification is so gratifying if you come from a place where you never expect gratification. I read so many philosophies that air towards the side of being humble. I'd love to be humble if it means feeling a better appreciation of the world around me from day to day.

But, no. My problem is that I'm impatient. You can't use being humble as a means to an end, because then it will never end and it's not really being humble, it's being selfish. Being selfish is ugly, sharing your happiness and geniune appreciation with other people is beautiful.

I felt a few days ago (and for a long time before that) as if I had no more happy to offer. I need to remember the things that make me happy, such as patches of grass in the middle of busy streets and willow trees. They are simple things, but to just watch them or touch them fills me with a feeling of content. I choose not to question this contentedness because I know that these are the things that were put here for me to enjoy.

And I love them.

ps. Most basically in the stock market of my life: Down with analyzation, up with experience!

pps. There's a huge difference between pretending nothing's wrong with you and actually being okay, if you don't know that yet I hope life teaches you. Too.

2/16/07 12:10 am

You're not supposed to need someone to tell you what's right and what's wrong.

2/11/07 03:27 pm

threetwentysevenagain

2/2/07 11:10 am - Groundhog's Day

(*)What would you do if you were trapped in the same place and every day was the same and nothing you did mattered?
(&)Well, that about sums it up for me.

I never want that feeling. But, there's no set cost for those services.

I can't find whether or not the rodent found his shadow, maybe it happens later in the day.

2/2/07 03:43 am - That Means Absolute Dick

TO me.

Driving home in a haze at 3 in the morning is a situation that begs for a reason. Unfortunately, I have but the mundane reality of my life to offer up as an excuse in this specific instance.

The full moon drives me crazy. Makes me naked, makes me spout thoughts that are probably being heard better than they're expressed.

I'm working on doing things because I really want to, not because I really think they should be done. It's a hard thing to do, to switch from being the better of the two to feel better yourself. Though, I'm never really sure what the right thing to do really is. I just talk as if I'm absolutely positive and as long as that gets me by with the right amount of comfort it's totally fine. One hundred percent finez.

Begging is disgusting. But, I wish it worked.

1/27/07 04:43 pm - I'm Not Full of Anything

and I make perfect sense.

(Disclaimer: Don't freak out.) Everyone is full of shit.

1/24/07 01:41 am - Right This Minute

I don't feel safe. Not at all.

1/22/07 02:27 pm - Estrangularse

Massive .5 growth this business week for good ol' Isabelle 5.0. You may remember in the past year the numbers increased an entire decimal place in the last spurt of "maturity." Twothousandandseven is all about 6.5-7.0.

In other news: I seriously am figuring out what I want to do with my life. Starting with being my own life coach, a role that I intend to continue filling.

There's a wealth of internal confidence that has yet to be drilled. Life is a awful cycle of "being able to" and "failing."

Basically: I have a "I could do that if I wanted to" kind of attitude and now I want to.

The price of being confident in making these statements is very high. But, I am not ashamed if they sound trite because I drained all of the blood, puss and tears from my face for them.

I loved in a daze. Now it's over.

1/13/07 03:32 pm - You're The One Who Gets to Make the Joke : Go

There is a long arduous road from realization to accomplishment.

Which is the kind of road that you are forced to look at your feet the entire time, so that when you finally reach the end you can only look back and think: "Shit, son."

Still, it's one hell of a finsh line.

12/28/06 06:19 am - This is Me, Posting More Than Once

If I could never sleep again, I would.

If I could never die again, I would. (I do believe that my soul has perished in physical form before, for the record.)

If I could just keep riding my bike with only my brother's blinking red tail-light to guide me, I would continue doing so. Having him ride in front is so liberating for the both of us. Having a night with just me and him, as we were so often accustomed to when I could only spend my nights at home. My brother, the other half of my act. Born into our lifelong comittment. I feel I've fought it hard enough to accept it without any hesitance now or in the future.

Nick and I are 'we.'

and I love him.

12/28/06 03:59 am - I Plan on Changing Out of my Pajama Bottoms

This means I'm completely unprepared for my current state of mind.

12/24/06 11:35 pm - A Lover, A Dreamer and Myself

Have already formed quite the rainbow connection. Red Orange Yellow Green Blue Purple.

Just now my brother told me a story about siamese twin death.

Also according to my brother the christmakuah miracle this year is that I came through. (With good presents.)

Hallelujah or whatevah to you and yourz. (Mad love notes.)

Charles Chaplin died Christmas day nearly 40 years ago. (1977 equals 39 years if you want get nitty gritty.)

I'm excited to drink hot chocolate with all of my favorite friends on Christmas.

It's very possible that you are my special friend that I will not drink hot chocolate with on Christmas... In which case: It's cool, yo.

Realz. Pumped. David. Lifeforce. Lovestrong. Omjezus. I wish that I were going to be 25 on December 25th in 2025.
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